journey

A Prayer for the Uncertain

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If like me you seem on an endless quest to discern where God wants you to go, or what He wants you to do, you may find this prayer by Thomas Merton helpful.  As others have probably said: the purpose is in the journey, not the destination.
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Thomas Merton

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road
although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust You always,
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death,
I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
and will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton 

Find out more about Thomas Merton here.

Unpastoralised

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Like a phoenix from the ashes, I will rise.

Loathing, disdain and vitriol threaded their way through the report, it was not pleasant reading.

I had been handed the report by the BAP Advisers by my DDO and read it in silence.  Its tone took me aback.  Never before had I read such a bitter report.  It was anything but constructive, instead it seemed intent on destroying me, my spirit and my hopes. Continue reading →

Strange days (aka Going to a BAP)

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A sanctuary for strange days

A sanctuary for strange days

It is done.  My Bishops’ Advisory Panel is over.  It was quite an experience, quite a week.  There are many people’s experience of a BAP that can be read, many practically focused, some even dealing with the pain of not being recommended.  This is my account of my experience; an account of the emotions, fears and joys that someone has and can go through and that needs more words than other types of accounts of going to a BAP.

So if you’re willing and ready, read on! Continue reading →

Excuse me while I kiss the sky

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Jimi Hendrix

Purple haze all in my brain,
Lately things just don’t seem the same,
Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why,
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Jimi Hendrix

It was time for the Bishop to make his move.  Was it going to be checkmate and game over?  I didn’t know.  I did know that whatever happened following as a result of meeting my local Bishop was going to be significant. Continue reading →

The Grand Tour

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Significance in numbers?

Significance in numbers?

Exploring ordination means preparing for a future life that may never happen.  There are no guarantees, no certainties.  Getting to a Bishops’ Advisory Panel is not a given, nor is a recommendation that I train for ordination.  Yet I have to prepare for the possibility that I will be recommended.  It means investing significant amounts of time, thought and prayer for something that may not happen. Continue reading →

Can I see clearly now?

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Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you: The Son of Man is going to be delivered into the hands of men.” But they did not understand what this meant. It was hidden from them, so that they did not grasp it, and they were afraid to ask him about it.

Luke 9:44-46

Last week I met with a Vocations Chaplain as part of my exploration of whether God is calling me to be ordained as a priest in the Church of England.  In my previous post (“Who I am I today?“) I wrote of the challenge I felt to not pretend to be the person I thought the Vocations Chaplain would want to see, but to be true to myself.

During my meeting I came to the realisation that my life has had, in one respect at least, something in common with Jesus’s disciples.  Just as the true meaning of things Jesus said or did was kept from the disciples, it seems that I may have been prevented from seeing and understanding certain things until now.

Let me explain! Continue reading →

Planning ahead?

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Do you like to know or plan what you are doing each day, week, month or even year? We can do that of course but how often have you planned something that didn’t happen? We all have ideas about what we would like to do but life has a habit of getting in the way.

The thing is plans are just that, plans. They are theoretical and aspiration. They may give us a sense of being in control and in charge. Plans can give us a sense of security but they can also bring disappointment – their resemblance to reality however can sometimes be rather tenuous! Continue reading →